Voldemort, the New DADA Teacher!
by Cryptic Dreams
Summary: Hogwarts is again in need of a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and no one is applying for the job! But, there is one person... R/R! PG, just to be safe.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: This is my first story attempt at ff.net. If I get even ONE little review asking me to continue, I'll most likely continue it. So, R/R!!  
  
Disclaimer: Okay, don't. own. anything. Don't own Harry Potter, don't own this computer, don't own ANYTHING! So. don't sue! Please! You'd get nothing.  
  
--  
  
Dumbledore sat at his desk inside his office. He began to massage his temples. Two weeks. TWO WEEKS! He had put an ad out for a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher in the Daily Prophet every day for two weeks now! Still nobody had applied. There had to be somebody who wanted the job.  
  
Suddenly a greasy haired head popped through the door to the headmaster's office. "Sir, I believe that with my immensely vast knowledge of the Dark Arts..er..defense against the Dark Arts, I can successfully torture..um..teach the students and-"  
  
"Severus, this is the fifth time you've come to my office today. Could you please leave, if you wouldn't mind?" Professor Dumbledore said slowly and calmly.  
  
The pouting and dejected looking Professor Snape walked out of the room, sniffling.  
  
Dumbledore went back to massaging his temples. Hogwarts' past five Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers had only lasted one year each, but that was because of very special circumstances: One died, one lost his memory, one was a werewolf, one turned out to be a Death Eater in disguise, and one went completely nuts. Hey, maybe that was why nobody would apply.. NAH!  
  
CRACK!  
  
Apparating before the headmaster was a tall, thin man with a white, skull- like head. He had bright red eyes and slits for a nose. Standing in front of Prof. Dumbledore was none other than.  
  
"Voldemort, old buddy, old pal! What are you up to, apparating into my office?" Dumbledore said jovially.  
  
Before Voldemort could answer, a bushy haired girl with buckteeth and a bossy voice appeared out of nowhere. "You can't apparate into Hogwarts! How many times do I have to tell you that?"  
  
"Miss Granger, what are you-" the headmaster was cut off by a sudden shriek as Hermione noticed who was also in the room.  
  
"EEEH!!! VOLDEMORT!!! I'm, like, your BIGGEST fan ever!! Can I have your autograph?"  
  
"Oh, all right," Voldemort said, signing a piece of parchment for Hermione.  
  
"Oh, THANK YOU!!!!!" Hermione sniffed, beginning to cry hysterically and hug Voldemort. With a wave of his wand, the headmaster made Hermione Granger vanish as quickly as she had appeared.  
  
With eyes sparkling, Dumbledore spoke. "You're such an old softie. So, what are you doing here?"  
  
"Why, I'm here to answer this ad I found in the Daily Prophet!" Voldemort answered, brandishing the ad from inside his robes.  
  
"You? Our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher? Well, Voldie, I don't think the parents of our students would like that very much. You don't exactly have a very good reputation."  
  
"Who? Me? What are you talking about? I've never done anything in my life that would suggest that I'm a bad person!"  
  
"Well, you have killed a LOT of people.."  
  
"Oh yeah. That. Haha! You know I never meant any of that!"  
  
"Hmm. But what would stop you from hurting any of my students?" Dumbledore inquired.  
  
"I would NEVER! Just look at my shirt!" Voldemort opened his robes to give Dumbledore a better look at his t-shirt. On the front was a winking smiley giving the peace sign. Voldemort turned around to show the back of his shirt. On the back, it said, "I LOVE CHILDREN." "See?"  
  
"I don't know.. Leave your resume with me and I'll think about it," Dumbledore answered.  
  
"Ugh. Fine," Voldemort sighed, pushing a piece of parchment into the headmaster's hands. With a loud CRACK, he disapparated from the office.  
  
"You can't disapparate on Hogwarts grounds, it---"  
  
"Miss Granger," Dumbledore interrupted. "Please go back to your house and enjoy the summer."  
  
An embarrassed Hermione fled from the office.  
  
--  
  
So? Is Voldemort telling the truth? Would he be a good teacher? What's it say on his resume? Should Dumbledore hire him? You will only know if you review! So. REVIEW! Or I shall be forced to set my stuffed cow named MiMi on you!!! 


	2. Voldemort's Plan

A/N: WOW!!!! I got... reviews! 18 of them, in fact! And most of them were GOOD…. *sniff sniff* You don't know how happy you made me!! I literally jumped up and down with ecstasy! Yeah, I know I'm weird... ^_^;; Well, you asked for it! Here's chapter 2! Oh, and I'd like to add that I have no idea what a real resume looks like, so I just kind of made Voldemort's resume format in a way that made sense to me.  
  
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling, not me. Do I LOOK like J.K. Rowling? *Crosses eyes to look at face* Nope. Besides, I'm not even British. So don't sue me, please!  
  
--  
  
Dumbledore stared back down at the piece of parchment that was Voldemort's resume. He shook his head, stood up, and walked across the room. He pulled his pensieve out of the cabinet where it was stored and set it on his desk. Then he placed his wand to his temple and pulled out a silvery strand of thought, depositing it inside the pensieve. He then sat back down.  
  
"What should I do?" Dumbledore said aloud. "Mr. Riddle and I have been good friends ever since he went to Hogwarts, and we DO need a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Sure, he's killed a lot of people, but that just means he's tough, which is a characteristic needed in a Hogwarts professor... Of course, this could just be a plot to get at Mr. Potter. But, then again, I've been on Voldemort's side the whole time. We've both fooled the world with our pretend "war" against each other. And I DO hate Harry also... He's grown up to be such a whiny, self-absorbed brat. The only reason I haven't killed him myself is because I leave the honor of it to Voldemort. And I am no murderer. But, if I DID make him a teacher, what would everyone say?" Dumbledore frowned. He pulled another strand of thought out of his mind and he watched the contents of the pensieve swirl as he added the new thought.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Hermione sat on her bed, extremely confused and with a huge headache. "Wha... What happened? And... Why am I holding a slip of parchment with---with the words '#1 Stunna, I luv children!' on it? These word 'love' isn't even spelled correctly! I wish I could remember what happened last night. I remember sneaking into the Hogwarts library to catch up on some reading, and drinking a LOT of butterbeer, which apparently isn't too good in very large doses... I was just trying to stay awake." Hermione pouted, then walked out of her room to get some aspirin for her headache.  
  
Ooh, another scene change...  
  
"HAHAHAHA!!!" Voldemort laughed in a cold, hard voice. "This is it!! With that special charm I that I placed on my resume, there's no WAY Dumbledore can refuse to hire me!! Once he gets down to the very last line of my resume, he will be FORCED to!!! I bet he even thinks I really love children! Good move, Voldy, adding that to your signature for that girl. She was seriously a piece of luck, I don't know what was with her... Anyway, after I become a teacher, I will do what I've been dreaming of doing for 16 years now! I will finally win the heart of my one and only true love, Madam Hooch! Oh, and I guess I could kill Harry Potter while I'm at it. Ooh, Miss Hooch, you're going to be all mine... Mwahaha! No, that could've been better. MWAhahaha. No, maybe if I put the emphasis on the last 'ha.' MwahaHA?"  
  
While Voldemort was busy perfecting his evil villain laugh, Peter Pettigrew a.k.a. Wormtail walked in, whispering to himself. "Good Scabbers, you're such a good rat, you're so loyal to Ron. Stupid Granger, stealing the heart of my love from..." He trailed off as he noticed Voldemort in the room, laughing like a maniac. Wormtail's eyes widened, then he slowly backed out of the room. "Smile and nod," he said to himself. "Just smile and nod..."  
  
Back in the headmaster's office...  
  
Dumbledore again looked back at Voldemort's resume. It didn't look very professional. In fact, it looked as if a kid had written it. It read:  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
MY RESUME  
  
Full name: Tom Marvolo Riddle  
  
Job applying for: Defence Agenst the Dark Arts teecher at Hogwarts  
  
Why you want this job: I luv children!!!! And I want to teech them how to defend themselves.  
  
Why you would be good for the job: I luv children. I'm tuff, but also sensitive. I luv children. I'm good at teeching. Did I menshun I luv kids?  
  
Experience: Uh, I've never had a job teeching, but I've tot alot of people the Dark Arts. But I don't do that stuff anymor!!  
  
Past jobs: I used to bee sumwut of a killer. Er, I was also a wurker at Wal-Mart for a while, but that wasn't my fawlt. I'd fallen on sum hard times.  
  
Why you are no longer working at those past jobs: I gave up my killing job. I'm too soft for that. Um, I got fired frum my Wal-Mart job for steeling a fuzzy wuzzy pink teddy bear. But it was reelly pretty!   
  
Desired salary: I'm good cuz I don't ask for alot. Just 10 galleons a week.  
  
~ ~ ~   
  
Dumbledore scanned back through the resume again. Something at the bottom of the page caught his eye that he hadn't noticed earlier. At the very bottom of Voldemort's resume it said, "That's my resume. Hope you liked it. By the way... YOU WILL HIRE ME OR FACE THE CONSEKWENCES! (I happen to bee very good frends with *NSYNC. They used to bee Death Eeters. But I don't do that stuff anymor!!)"  
  
After reading this sentence, Professor Dumbledore suddenly became very dizzy. His office began to spin... "I've got to stop drinking ten cups of coffee this early in the morning!" He thought to himself. "Now, what was I doing? Oh yeah, Voldemort was threatening me. Well, I really wouldn't want to be in any situation that involved the members of *NSYNC, so I guess I'll hire Voldemort. That should make him happy. I just need to think about how I'm going to break the news to the rest of the world."  
  
Back in Voldemort's lair...  
  
"HohoHO! No, then I sound like Santa Claus! That stupid muggle lover. He's a disgrace to all wizards. After I have succeeded in woo-ing my love, Madam Hooch, I'm going to get rid of that rosy-cheeked, bell jingling, sleigh riding, gift giving fatso of a wizard once and for all! HAhahahaaa! Hey, now THAT one's a keeper!"  
  
--  
  
So? Did you like it? Thought it sucked? Sorry if the characters were OOC and sorry the chapter was so short. What can I say? I like short chapters! Maybe the next ones will be longer. So, Voldemort's the new DADA teacher! He may be able to handle grown wizards in a duel, but can he handle the Hogwarts students in a DADA class? He's just lucky he won't have Fred and George to deal with! Or will he...? And does Voldemort EVER learn how to spell???? Review and find out!!  
  
Time for some shout outs and thank yous! Shout out to:  
  
Tsona (Hee hee. Funniful. ^_^)  
  
allison lightning (LOL!! ^_^)  
  
PhoenixFire (Demented is what I do best! ^_~)  
  
sporteegrl (Thanks!)  
  
Sagittarius (MiMi has deemed you worthy enough to have mercy on! ^_~)  
  
Snivellus (Was this chapter any better? Thanks so much for your review!!!! I value your opinion!)  
  
Saeki Mahogany (sp?) (Me? Potential? WOW!! Thanks so much!!!)  
  
glitter kitty (I've never seen that movie, but I'll take that as a compliment! ^_^)  
  
James (Thanks!)  
  
Sonique the Echidna (I love my craziness too! ^_^)  
  
Dia (Thanks!)  
  
becca (I'm sorry you feel that way. Thanks for reviewing, though!)  
  
Scarlet Phoenix (Woo! I'm so bad! ^_~)  
  
the fluffy pink thig (I want to see what is going to happen, too!)  
  
Firebreath (Looks like Dumbledore took your advice! ^_~)  
  
Skye Gemini (Maybe they're old war buddies... LOL)  
  
coolerimmortal (Thanks!)  
  
Cataclysmic (Thank you! There should be a real t-shirt like that….)  
  
You guys are all the best!!! ^_^ *Hurries to start on the next chapter to please her beloved reviewers, with muse MiMi at her side* Oh, and I'm going to try to get this story updated at least once a week. If I don't get new chapters up in time, I'm really sorry, but I've got summer reading to do and school starts in a couple of weeks. *Sniffle* 


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